I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
