Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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