Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
