I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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