saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
