Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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