Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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