At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
