i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
