Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
