My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize