the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
