I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize