I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
