It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
