can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
