I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
