You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
