Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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