dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
