I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You're like the curious george of whores
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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