There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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