so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
