I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
