apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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