She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize