Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
