I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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