My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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