Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Your cock deserves a montage
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
