My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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