I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize