Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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