wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
