The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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