I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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