sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Are these your boobs on my camera?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
