I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
