Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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