Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
