You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
