When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize