I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I wish you could order shots online.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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