The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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