I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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