So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
