I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
