im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize