Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
