Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
