i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just blew my weed a kiss
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
