I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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