i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
