God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
