I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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