those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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