I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
