Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
