I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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