my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
