he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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