two words...techno handjob
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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