So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Randomize
