My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
