I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
