apparently the secret to your success is patron
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
