New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
