He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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